Every Day I Battle With Myself Over Telling You How I Feel Or Letting You Go

by Kim Boateng Last updated on February 17th, 2018,

I battle with myself every day over what to do about you. I keep wondering if I should tell you how I feel or just be content with where we are at because at least that way you’re in my life.

I wonder what our life would be like if we were together, if things progressed between us. I wonder if we’d have a relationship that’s burning with passion, or one that fizzles out over time. I wonder if we’d be happy together or if we’d make it.

I wonder what it would be like to wake up next to you every morning, not just on the weekends when I unglue my hungover eyes. I wonder what it would be like to have sax with you in the middle of the day, not just in the middle of the night. I wonder what it would be like to hold you when you’ve had a bad day after work, not just when we’re drunk after the bar.

I wonder if I should just let it be, if I’m thinking too far into things. If all we’ll ever be is each other’s drunk hook ups or if we can scrape up more than that because part of me wants to be more than that. Part of me always has, but I’ve never been strong enough to muster up the courage to ask you. Part of me is scared to ruin what little we have right now because what little we have right now is still seemingly better than having nothing at all.

It’s still fun to find little excuses to talk to you, it’s still fun to see your name light up my phone and get excited about it.

I think I could hold you in my arms and be perfectly content. I could kiss your lips and be set for life. I could wake up in your arms and lay there all day. I could be happy seeing you walk through the front door every day and never get tired of hugging you goodbye.

You’ve become my biggest fantasy because I’ve completely convinced myself to believe that you’re the one who could complete me.

I wonder all the time if I should ask, if I should finally ask what’s going through your mind. If I’m constantly romanticizing the idea of you for no reason or if maybe you think we’ll have a chance too. I wonder if you’d be happy waking up to me every morning, I wonder if you’d be content with only kissing my lips, I wonder if you’d be happy with me fully absorbed in your world.

I always type a message out and battle back and forth in my head over what to do next. But I always erase it after staring at it for some time because the only thing scarier than you rejecting me is you not being in my life at all.

There’s always the giant “what if” floating around in my head. What if you feel the same way, what if you want something more, what if this could work. But what if you don’t feel this way at all and my question changes things between us.

I keep telling myself if you wanted this to work you would say something, but you haven’t yet. You never have.

So, I’ll just keep battling back and forth in my head over what to do, but more than likely I won’t press send.

Author

Kim Boateng

Kim Boateng

With a Degree in Environmental Sciences, Kim the self professed jack of all trades and master of some simply "goes there" and brings a level of attention and detail to Nigeria Circle's quest for excellence in investigative journalism that sets her apart. Before journalism she worked in Safety, Quality Assurance and Control in several industries.
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