Every time I waited, I filled my head with scenarios of what it would be like to see you again. If anything about you would seem different or would you still be exactly the same, if I would be looking at someone new or someone who I wished never changed.
I walked by the park we used to always walk in because sometimes, I didn’t want to go anywhere new where nothing reminded me of us and where nothing reminded me of you. I wanted to walk on the same grass you walked on and breathe the same air your breathed in. I wanted to re-visit every café and restaurant we left our mark because only those places know our story, they witnessed us falling in love and only they can welcome me back with warm hands whereas every other place don’t know us, they won’t recognize us, they will only make me feel like a stranger and will only remind me how that is exactly what I have become to you.
I waited for you to be “ready.” I patiently pushed myself through my days no matter how much each step felt like I was trying to move a mountain. The more I pushed, the more bruises stamped my body until the thought of waking up the next morning to another fight was more painful than waking up from every nightmare of you leaving me to go through this fight alone.
Honestly, I did everything, from going to the gym, meeting new people and powering through work like it was no big deal, like losing you was the easiest thing in the world, when losing you completely shattered my world and if anything, losing you, I also lost my world.
I waited for you to get yourself together. I left you alone, I let you have your fun so you can get it all out of your system and live the life you thought you would be missing if you had chosen to be with me. When you were all done, after you have gotten all that you dreamed of and after the world ran out of things to give you, I wanted to be that one thing who would still be here, never running out on you and never running out of things to give you.
I waited for you to be “ready,” I waited for you to get better and I waited for you to become wiser only to foolishly realize there was simply nothing you could possibly be preparing for and how you have always been “ready,” but I was never the girl who you were waiting for.
It took me wasting nights and hours for your texts, making room in my head to keep thoughts of you from slipping away and debating through silent conversations to realize that I was allowing myself to be your option, your last option. The respect I had for myself was worse than any little respect you ever had for me.
No one can train to be in love. Love doesn’t come with a rule book or a set of instructions, it’s not something you need to be “ready” for because it is something you should already feel.
I have never been the girl to sit around waiting for a guy to make up his mind but that’s what I had been resorted to. I couldn’t picture anything better because nothing better was coming my way. However, being alone, I may have lost you, but I sure did gain back all my self-respect that I lost with you.
I’m done being your rock. I never gave up on you only to be continuously tossed away to the point where I couldn’t be strong for you anymore because until now, I couldn’t even be strong for myself. Although I stole the fun of being the girl you would like to chase or who would leave you begging for more, I was also the girl who never left you hanging. Who never left you wondering, who never left you guessing and who would never dream of even leaving.
I’m done waiting for you. I can’t put into words how much I don’t want you and how little I have grown to feel for you. I don’t want a fool who needs to keep searching for something more when I had already given him everything I had. I don’t want a boy who is not “ready” because I am not someone who is okay with being put on hold so you can test out your other options.
I’m glad you didn’t change your mind. I’m glad you weren’t finally “ready” and if you ever are, I want to thank you for not coming back all the times I waited. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have met the man who had been ready for me his whole life.