Sometimes I wonder why we drift away from people. How does it happen? How do we prepare ourselves for it?
Sometimes I wonder where it all goes. The lengthy conversations, the secrets, the kisses, the tender words, the love. Where do they all go?
Sometimes I wonder if it makes sense. Losing people who kept you breathing, losing people who made you smile, losing people who touched your heart.
Sometimes I wonder why good things end. How can the world be so cruel? Why do things end too soon? Why do they end before they even begin? Why do they end when you’re still not done writing the story?
Do we sabotage them? Is it the universe? Is it their problem? Is it ours?
They tell you to move on, they tell you not to think about it, they tell you it is what it is, they tell you to just forget, but how do you move on from your life? How do you move one from something that was a part of you? How do you move on from yourself?
How do you tell people that you can’t move on because you don’t have anywhere else to go? Where do you go when you move on? What’s on the other side? What if it’s not for you?
Because sometimes the other side of life is not really the kind of life you want. You don’t want loneliness and fighting your demons alone, you don’t want casual dates, you don’t want to kiss strangers, you don’t want to play games and you don’t want your life to be all about your work or all about yourself.
Even if it’s beautiful, even if it’s everything you need to grow, even if people tell you that this is the best thing you can ever do for yourself…but what if it’s not for you?
Because you see beauty in romance, in real love, in intimacy, in growing old with the one you love and you see so much cruelty in loneliness, in too much independence, in coming home to an empty bed and waking up alone.
What if this is not the life you signed up for? How do you quit? How do you say to life ‘I just can’t do this anymore?’ How do you fight when you don’t have a shield?
It’s unfair. When you’ve seen heaven but now you have to live in hell, when you’ve had the best but now you should settle for okay and when you’ve found your heart but now you’re supposed to live without it.
Sometimes I wonder if things truly ever end, or if they just keep on living inside us — killing us slowly.