I find myself thinking deeply about many things on days like this – days where the clouds mask the sun and the smell of dewy rain lingers in the air.
I recall a friend talking about her one true love – the one that made her heart smile and made the sky seem brighter.
I recall the way her eyes sparkled before she looked down into her coffee cup and sighed – a sigh that was so touching it would bring a tear to a glass eye.
I recall placing my hand under her chin and lifting her head ever so gently until her doe-eyed stare met mine.
I recall wondering how the gentlest of eyes could express such pain and I realized that I knew the answer right after the very thought escaped my mind.
I recall the painful thoughts circling in my mind.
I recall thinking that love that we cannot have is the kind that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest, and feels the strongest – it forever haunts you and doesn’t allow a reprieve from the soul destructing “what if?”
“What if I fought harder?”
“What if I was honest and didn’t let my pride get in my way?”
“What if I dropped my guard and let him into my heart?”
“What if I allowed myself to be vulnerable?”
“What if I spoke up and set my boundaries?”
“What if I just picked up the phone and said I miss you?”
I recall the way my heart sank whilst thinking that when two people truly care about each other and can’t make it work, that’s the true meaning of tragedy.
I recall the slow burn in my heart when I realized that he wouldn’t allow her to be the love of his life, and that instead he turned her into the one that will haunt his mind forever.
And, finally, with tears in my eyes and an aching heart, I recall saying this:
One of the hardest things you will ever have to do, my darling, is to grieve the loss of a person who lit your soul on fire.
And it is. I would know.