I came to like someone just recently – told me sweet words and revived the butterflies in my stomach. His jokes, his laugh, the way he talks are just some of plenty things that have drawn my attention to him. I was fine admiring him from a distance at first – be a part of the audience when he tells his jokes, stare at him when he is busy looking at something else. But everything changed as the night got darker, as we sipped more alcohol. I will be typical and blame the alcohol for the chaos I am in.
I was not expecting for something to happen but then he came. He became the destruction to my equilibrium. He became the storm and thunder and lightning to my peaceful day. He became the drug to my system. He was my Delilah.
We talked, told our stories, histories behind our names. I was having fun, not noticing I was taking down my wall for him without asking me to and left it open for him to come in. But he did not… he stepped his foot in and nothing else. He kept that door open without intending to risk coming in at all.
I was mad; I was frustrated. I trusted myself to start trusting someone else again and I fell for his trap, like a fly in a fly trap. He made me smile; he gave me hugs; he calls and says goodnight until it became a routine. He became a part of my day; he became the largest piece of my puzzled day. But I was nothing but an edge for him; someone to talk to when he was bored; someone to boost his ego when he was feeling low.
I tried to talk my way out of the situation; I tried to pushed him off and distance myself but every time I see him, there was like a magnetic force that will pull me closer to him. He smoothly puts a smile on my face every single time which would lead me to unconsciously show off my dimple that makes him smile in return, too.
I could not read him entirely; some days he was mad; most days he was fine. Some days he would sound happy and excited to talk to me; most days he would kill me waiting for a single message. I could not understand what he really wants. He dropped hints about asking me out, dropped hints for taking me on a date, but did not want to travel the road that leads to me. He dropped hints about wanting me to wait for him, but with no assurance that the time I would spend waiting would be worth it in the end.
We spent hours on the phone until we fall asleep. I put miles on my car and drive out of my way for an hour or two with him… and our circle of friends. But all of these meant nothing, and all was just normal and ordinary for him. I was nobody but a friend.
After all, he already found his princess.
He already found his princess he would build his castle and kingdom with. A princess unlike me who would work on my own to tear my walls down for someone who did not ask me to in the first place. He already found his princess who worked effortlessly to be noticed by him. A princess unlike me who made a fool out of myself jumping in a pond for a kiss with a poisonous frog. He already found his princess.
A princess who is not me.
But after all of these, I am not blaming him. In fact, I owe him big time for making me realize I am ready to start free falling again, that I am now ready to start taking risks again. And for not letting me believe that I am worth less than what I really am, and for making me realize that I deserve something better – more magical – than an almost.
I still think he was a blessing in disguise – my angel. He made me realize that I am now totally healed and that I am now capable of giving what I thought I have lost years ago – myself. He made me feel alive again. He gave me light and hope right on time. He was my go-signal.