You say you aren’t ready for a relationship.
You spit some girls name from the past of why you are, the way you are.
You throw in the explanation of ‘I have trust issues’ because of *namedrop*
You tell me you’re into your career or school right now, you don’t have the time.
But more than that you throw two words at me, ‘one day.’ Two words that give me hope.
Two words that allow you to continue to treat me as you have. Two words that allow settling.
So we continue doing exactly what we’ve been doing.
But the truth is you’re getting relationship benefits without having to commit to a relationship.
Because the ugly truth behind all of this is you don’t like me or care about me or respect me enough to commit to me. Maybe the sax is good so you keep spitting lies. Maybe you like knowing someone cares about you and is willing to do anything for you. Maybe you like knowing someone loves you in a way you still haven’t learned to love yourself.
You call me your friend but we aren’t friends. Friends don’t look at each other the way we do. Friends don’t talk to each other the way we do. Friends don’t have a physical relationship. But most of all friends don’t hurt you the way you continue to hurt me.
You make it clear you don’t want a relationship with me and I thought I was being a good friend being there for you when you needed me. I thought I was being a good friend playing the role you needed me to play. Emotionally and physically I was there for you.
But I let my feelings cloud my judgment. What I didn’t see was you were taking advantage of me.
You used me to fill some void.
But not anymore.
You’d break me down to build yourself up and maybe I was naive and weak-willed for taking it. Or maybe I really did love you.
I just couldn’t love you enough to make you love me back or commit.
Every night with us ended the same way. Sober you would tell me we were just friends but the second alcohol touched either of our lips, you were running your fingers along my arm and it killed me.
It was a single look across the room and we knew how the night would end regardless of how many times we said it won’t happen again.
We’d wake up the next day looking at one another. You were filled with regret and I was filled with hope, that was the difference between you and I. And we’d talk like friends. We’d spend time together like friends and you knew me in a way others didn’t. But a real friend wouldn’t ask friendship of someone when they knew the other person’s true feelings.
While playing the role you asked me seemed to be doing you a favor, it’d break my heart every time you’d introduce me as your friend. It’d break my heart every time you’d tell me about some other prospect or someone you were interested in. And I tried and be a good friend and listen but I couldn’t be both your friend and some two am call when you were lonely.
We aren’t friends. And for so long, I thought it was selfish and weak to want more.
You broke me to keep yourself whole.
But I’m walking away. And it’ll be hard at first. Texts that used to make me smile, I’ll have to deliberately ignore. When we cross paths I’ll have to pretend I don’t know you because I can’t keep doing this. Maybe that’s what it takes, walking away for you to realize my value. But I know now I deserve more than someone who only makes me happy half the time. I deserve more than someone who doesn’t care enough to commit. I deserve someone who wants to be both my best friend and my boyfriend.
And you’ll miss me. The moment I stop giving you my undivided attention and stop trying. You’ll miss the girl who loved you and would have done anything even if that meant being your friend.
The day you realize my worth will be long after I have realized it myself.
One day this will make me stronger than you ever thought I could be.
And that weak girl who loved you with everything she had, will finally have learned to love herself. And when you come back because you miss ‘your friend’, she’ll look at you and laugh. Because who needs enemies when they have friends like you.