He was the one. And now he is gone. Before I could grasp what had happened, he was out of my life. No goodbyes, no reasons, no justifications — he just left on a whim.
And I was left to deal with the open ends and all the questions. I was left to find closure.
After numerous unanswered calls (some drunk, some sober) and numerous messages, here I am — bearing my heart to the world.
Immediately after the breakup, I spoke to many friends and family members. While it helped a lot, it didn’t give me what I needed — closure.
And that’s how knew I was strong. I was capable of feeling only love and not hatred for you. In spite of everything you have done, in spite of how much my life fell apart after you left, I only have love for you.
And I do believe in the goodness of people, I do dream of a better world, I do smile when I see a kind act and I do believe in love.
I refuse to give up on the one thing that has the power to unite us all. It may be a Utopian world that I dream of, but I can try to do my part in the grand scheme of things.
I have questioned myself. I have fallen down and picked myself up, but I have accepted that people change and people move on — or maybe they go through phases.
No matter how much I question you or your motives, I will never have the answers. I can only accept what happened and move on — and accepting or moving on doesn’t mean admitting defeat or giving up.
I can continue to love you in my own way, almost as if nothing ever existed but this non-reciprocated love. I can choose to savor the sweet memories we shared rather than being embittered about it ending too early.
It’s too soon to think of a life where you are not by my side. I would rather hope for one where I can embrace you each night. And that is what keeps me going — and I don’t see why it’s wrong. I may be hoping against hope, but this what I have left right now, and I am willing to try anything to make this life a little better.
As time passes by, I will learn to live without you by my side – maybe it will happen in a few months or maybe it will take a couple of years, but it will happen.
In the meantime, I will embrace new things and make space in my heart and life for things that make me happy — adventures, friends, writing and so much more. I wish to be encompassed by it all and one day, one lucky day, I will know and accept what it’s like to live without you.
Until then, I am holding onto you, and that’s okay.