You tell yourself at night that you miss her. That you want her back, and you promise yourself that this time things will be different. But the truth is, you don’t really love her at all. You just are in the love with the idea of her.
Because if you were in love with her, you wouldn’t have left in the first place. You wouldn’t have ran. And you wouldn’t have said goodbye, looking at her from the distance of your rearview mirror.
If you were really in love with her? She’d be in your arms right now. You wouldn’t have to explain anything. You wouldn’t have to apologize or try to get her back. You wouldn’t have to have something to miss. You wouldn’t have to have someone to want.
And you wouldn’t be continuously playing the goodbye back over and over again.
You’re only in love with the fantasy in your head. You’re just in love with the fantasy of her and her bright eyes. Of the reality in who she was, and all that she gave you. Of the reality that is her heart.
Because the truth is, you know deep down you are never going to get that ever again. You aren’t going to get that same kind of smile, or hug, or kiss. You are never going to get someone like her in your life again.
I don’t think you ever really loved her even when you were together. You didn’t treat her like the treasure that she was. You didn’t listen to her when all she needed was for you to listen. You didn’t hug her when she desperately wanted one. You didn’t hold her heart in your hands, like she wanted you to do.
And truth be told, you didn’t deserve her. Because she was a thing of wonder and a thing of beauty. She was something that was untouchable. Something that tasted like magic and that pulled you in like gravity. And now you are stuck with just the memories of her that haunt you each day. Now you are just stuck with the guilt, and with her face stuck in your brain every time you close your tired eyes.
So stop telling yourself that you love her when you never did. Stop telling yourself that you could love her better, when there was no love between you in the first place. And stop lying to yourself that you will ever be the type of man that is worth someone of her kind.
You were the one that left. You were the one that ran. You were the one to whisper your own goodbye. And you never deserved the type of love she gave to you, because you never saw it as something to savor.
You don’t deserve to miss her or to want her back. You don’t even deserve to think about her and to dreamily waste days wondering about what she’s doing. You don’t deserve that because you were never present when she was right in front of you. You were never who she wanted you to be, when all she did was beg for you.
You only think you love her because she is gone now. You only think you love her because she told you, ‘no’. But I’m afraid, she’s not going to ever go back to you. She’s not going to hold onto someone who didn’t ever show up. She’s not coming back. So you might as well stop the day dreaming and stop placing calls that will remain unanswered.
You were the one to end it. So now you are the one who has to live with it.